Too Much Pain

Things have not been great lately. The pain from the now bilateral Trigeminal Neuralgia is completely off the charts. It is so draining and soul destroying. 

As I said in a previous post, I am now off Tegretol, but I was put on Topamax. So now I take a delightful cocktail of Gabapentin, Baclofen, Amitriptyline, Veneflaxine, Topamax and Nepramel. I am on fairly high doses of all the medications which makes functioning like a "normal" person difficult. 

Lately, the pain has taken on a new intensity. I do believe that the cold weather is a major factor. It feels like thousands of tiny red hot knives stabbing me, over and over again. The shocks are also increasing and they literally take my breath away. As well as the Trigeminal Neuralgia pain, I have Migraines also. When these two conditions appear at the same time, it leaves me unable to get out of bed. For the past 5-6 weeks I have had a lot of joint pain. It feels like my joints are on fire, and cramping at the same time. I get frequent pins and needles in my arms, hands, legs and feet. I don't sleep, the pain is just too much. My doctor has a theory, but I want to wait and see if he is right or wrong. 

I am overcome with a lot of guilt. There are days that I am useless, I can hardly take care of myself. I hate being stuck in bed unable to move, I hate having to depend on my family to do things for me, I am 31 years old, not 91! I can't shake the feeling of hopelessness and overwhelming guilt. I feel like I am a burden, a leech, with nothing to add to society. Is this a common feeling among those with a Chronic Pain condition? I try so hard to make something of my life, to do something small each and every day, but light housework such as hoovering and washing dishes is a form of torture. 

Logically I know that it's not my fault, I know that I have limitations, but it doesn't mean I have to like it. I want to be able to spend quality time with my family. I want to go and have a small social life, even if it's meeting a friend for a coffee. I want to go back to work, to start contributing to society once again. 

If I am in so much pain now, and I mean that this pain is becoming too hard to cope with, what will the pain be like in the future? Will I be completely confined to my bed in 12 months? Will my doctors confirm that I have another condition to add to my impressive arsenal? Will I ever get back to work? Will I have a family of my own someday> 

So many questions, and they are impossible to answer. I just want my life back. I don't want another diagnosis, even though I believe that my GP is right about it unfortunately. 

I have to work on my feelings of inadequacy and guilt. Logically I know it's foolish, but I get a pain in my stomach when I look around me and realise just how useless I have become. Nobody has called me a burden, nobody has complained that I can't do much to help out anymore. It doesn't change the way I feel, and I wonder are there many of us out there/? Who else feels this way? How do i overcome it?